Just this once, his fallen angel
by Shinmaya
Summary: Post 8.10. Dean's been terrified about Castiel abandoning him and Sam, so he's desperately trying to find out what's wrong with his angel. But the thing is, the supposed Big-Evil-Taken-Over-Cas is not the only threat, and Castiel could be just as dangerous to himself, as Dean could, too. Deep fallen Cas, self-destructing Dean, suportive Sam, helping Garth.


**Just this once, his fallen angel.**

"...yeah, thanks Garth. We'll be in touch." Sam puts the phone down making a loud sigh and almost immediately feeling his brother's impatient, anxious gaze upon himself.

"Well?" Dean asks with a great deal of anticipation.

Sam shrugs his shoulders and walks slowly towards the fridge to get some beer.

"Well, nothing! He's looked everywhere, just like we have." He then stretches his arm with a bottle of Bud in it, offering the beer to Dean. But the senior Winchester just brushes it off.

"Dammit! What's with the other hunters?" he growls irritatingly.

"Dude, how many hunters do you know, who've actually dealt with angels before?!" Sam lets out a chuckle of sarcasm. "For all I know, when it comes to heavenly stuff, we're considered freakin' experts."

"There's gotta be something, Sam!" Dean moans, as if he is suffering actual physical pain. "We gotta find out who or what's been messing with Cas's head!"

Sam narrows his eyes in suspicion and stares at his brother for a moment. Since when is Dean so fucking sure that somebody or something is controlling Castiel's actions? Sam knows, of course, it was his own idea from the very beginning, and he remembers it pretty clearly that Dean didn't use to find it so convincing. Not until now... Why change his mind all of a sudden? That definitely seems strange to the younger Winchester. Dean's been acting lately as if he had some new information which he wasn't going to share with Sam.

"Look, Dean" he says, gently as he can. "We've looked in every book, dug up every single legend, all the lore there is... Hell, I even had to struggle through that Dan Brown's crap..."

Dean doesn't seem to be listening to him. He`s standing at the window, staring at the tree tops brightened with the first rays of sunrise, and Sam notices weird shadows cast on Dean's face by the sigils painted on the muddy window glass.

"You need to get some sleep." Sam tells his brother, but he shakes his head.

"No!" he says. "Let's keep digging until we know what's doing it".

Now that IS disturbing.

"Dude, when did you become so sure there even is something here?"

Dean licks his lips as if about to say something, but then pauses for a second, his eyes wide, and mouth gasping for air. When he finally speaks his voice sounds shaky and cracked.

"It was your idea, remember?"

"Yeah, but it was just a theory, Dean. The more we dig into that stuff..." Sam makes a pause hesitating, but Dean doesn't give him time to shape his thought properly.

"The more what?"

"I dunno, dude, Ok? I seriously don't. Hell, we could be dealing with God himself or..." he goes on, ignoring his brother's disbelieving chuckle ("Yeah, right! God.").

"... or Cas could've gotten himself into another divine war or something. I mean, all things considered, we can't possibly rule out that possibility."

Dean's face stiffens. Every time Sam suggests considering Cas's treason, these green eyes of his brother's become cold and angry and violent. Just like this time.

" That's not the case" he states firmly and confidently, but Sam can just hear vulnerability in Dean's voice. That's exactly how it sounds when he's hiding something from Sam.

"OK!" the younger Winchester finally loses his temper, walks to his brother and puts both hands on his shoulders. "Spit it out! NOW, Dean!"

The older Winchester breaks their eye-contact and bites his lip remaining silent for a moment.

"I saw him, OK?" he says, his voice broken.

"You what?!" Sam startles. "When?!"

"Just a while ago…"

"So what did he say?" Sam cannot shut his mouth now. He's half-pissed, half-sorry for the stupid idiot. Why does Dean always have to talk about Cas with this look on his face… like he's just about to put a loaded gun in his mouth? "Did he have any ideas?"

"He's terrified…" What is he going to cry now? "Sammy, he said he wants to kill himself. Twice now."

"Oh". Just like that and Sam can't utter a further sound. He hasn't yet got used to watching his brother so desperate, so broken. It's like Dean can no longer hold it and has lost all the strength to put his usual bravado face on. Somehow it doesn't matter to Dean how he looks anymore and that terrifies Sam, scares the crap out of him, actually. Seeing Dean so shattered, and, what's even worse, so real.

"Dude. Just get some sleep. Please. Just please."

It's almost midnight and Dean is standing in the middle of a motel room, his hands together in a prayer.

"Cas…" he whispers silently, barely making any sound at all. But that's enough if his angel's even listening.

"Just please" he begs. "Come talk with me, I`m freaking out here, all right? You're not supposed to flee like this. Not anymore, you feathery bastard! Not when I'm…"

"Hello, Dean."

They're facing each other, separated by a couple dozen inches tops. Dean swallows his last words, his heart beating vigorously, lips dry and eyes nearly in tears.

"You fucking son of a bitch!" he hisses at Castiel. "It's been weeks now! I THOUGHT YOU'RE DEAD ALREADY!"

The angel looks away, pain and regret on his face. The deepest blue eyes filled with so much sorrow.

"I'm scared, Dean" he admits, and the low growling sound of his voice instantly sends chills down the hunter's spine. "Most terrified."

Dean takes one step ahead, making Castiel retreat until he's almost pinned to the grey filthy motel wall.

"What's going on, Cas? What are you so afraid of?" Dean licks his dry lips, looking his angel in the eyes.

There's a silent moment and then Cas starts talking. He tells Dean, there's something really-really wrong with him ("Yeah, thanks, Cas. I figured that much!"). And then how he sometimes finds himself in places he doesn't remember going to. And how sometimes he feels like he wants to take some course of action, but he's just got this other feeling that it's not what he really wants, but he just can't help it. And then there are days when his mind is clear, when he feels almost powerless and drained, barely able to lift the wings. But sometimes it's like the mojo is pumped gallons into him and then he's got more power than he's ever had in his whole long divine life… but soon after that he starts experiencing memory losses again. And the blackouts. He tells Dean how the most desirable thing for him is just being able to stand by the Winchesters' side, watching out for them, but how he's constantly telling himself he shouldn't go near them cause he's too afraid to hurt Dean somehow. And some gut feeling tells him that he is capable of doing it right now. And how sometimes… more and more often now…

"Sometimes I wish I just cease to exist…" he says, lowering his gaze, not able to look into Dean's eyes anymore.

"Cas…" Dean whispers, his voice strangled. "You idiot! Why didn't you come to us first thing? Why didn't you come to ME?"

"I don't wish to cause any harm to you, Dean!" Cas growls. "You must understand! In the whole existence there's no one more precious than you!"

"I'm not made of glass, you moron!" the hunter shouts, being unable to hold it anymore. "I can stand up for myself! And for you! I'll help you, Cas, I swear! You just let me! Please!"

They're standing so close now, chests pinned against one another, rising and dropping hastily as breath becomes faster and you could just hear two hearts beating fiercely. A hunter and his angel, piercing each other with wild gazes, ready for everything now, yet not even daring to blink.

"Dean…"

They keep digging, surfing the net, calling on all the hunters they heard of. Dean's up from dawn to dawn, pretty much 24/7, until he can't stand on his feet. Literally. He manages to catch some sleep when it's Sam's turn to drive. He's only out for a couple hours and then buries himself into another thick ancient volume. He barely talks to his brother, and Sam never stops worrying about Dean's mental state. His brother's voice, the gestures… they start to look terrifyingly familiar, but Sam never actually has the gut to say it out loud. He's too scared Dean might lose it to his obsession. Like father, like son. But no. Sam's never gonna tell him that.

They're crushing at some shaggy motel, the room so tiny - their beds are nearly drawn together. Dean's out, fully clothed on his bed when Sam's mobile rings.

"Oh, hey, Garth!" he says quietly, trying not to wake Dean, but half the second past the older Winchester jumps on his feet.

"Put him on the speaker!" he shouts. "Now, Sam!"

"Hey, guys! I think I'm onto something here!" the 'new Bobby' exclaims cheerfully.

"We're all ears, Garth!"

"Well… This Dana, who's a friend of a friend of a cousin of mine tells me she was working a case, trying to put this poltergeist to rest when suddenly the spell doesn't work. Barely got out of there alive. And she's like an expertly expert at ghosts stuff! Taken down a great deal of `em. I'm like… talking hundreds! So I looked up the spell and it happens to start with the names of four angels…"

Sam's eyes go wide open; he throws a quick glance at his brother only to find Dean completely frozen and breathless.

"Does the spell contain Castiel's name?" Sam asks finally.

"Yep! Comes right after Ariel. So I looked up some more spells featuring your angel buddy, asked around and it seems all of them have gone useless just a while ago."

"SHIT!" Dean curses, rushing out of the room as if it's all on fire. Sam turns around, startled, but his brother's no longer in. Well, that's just not weird at all, the younger Winchester tells himself.

"So, erm…Garth…" he hesitates for a sec. "Any ides why this could happen?"

"Well, I'm no expert in angels, but… Dean's not there, is he?"

"No, he went out. Go on, please…"

"This Castiel… he… has he fallen?" Garth utters carefully, as if he's speaking blaspheme.

Sam lets out a tired sigh. Everything starts to make sense to him now.

"Yeah, pretty much. But he's been in that state for quite a long now, why have the spells been suddenly affected?"

There is tense silence for a couple seconds. Then Garth dares speak again.

"Erm. I've warned you, I'm a total amateur when it comes to angels, but…"

"But? Come on, Garth, tell me!"

"Well, I guess there are certain shades of grey here. And it seems that Cas has just hit level 80, but how's that even possible?"

"Meaning?"

"He'd have to… ok, I'm officially uncomfortable now, but I have to say it. To fall this deep he'd have to lust for one human. Like, for years, OK?"

"Oh…" Sam can only exclaim, as the other hunter goes on.

"And then they'd have to… I mean, you know, go all the way…"

"Oh… _Now_ it makes sense".

Garth goes silent again. For quite more than just a couple of seconds there is low static in Sam's ear.

"Wait… you mean CAS AND DEAN?! You think they actually did it?!"

"When did the spells stop working?" Sam asks being damn sure he knows exactly when.

"Three, may be, four weeks ago… Why?"

Sam rolls his eyes sighing deeply.

"Yeah, Garth. I think they did…"

Dean's out throwing punches at the motel wall, knuckles bleeding heavily. But he doesn't care, no. The foolish son of a bitch! How did he even end up on that bed with Castiel on top of him, cupping Dean's face in his warm angelic hands…?

Dean stops beating the shit out of the wall and closes his eyes. He remembers. God dammit, how can he ever forget?!

"Cas…" a quiet whisper.

"Dean…" is the only answer, and then the angel's dry lips merge into his. Cas is shaking, so Dean grabs both his arms tightly as if he never wants to let go of his sweet fallen angel. The sole thing in the Universe he's ready to go to hell for. Again. The love of his life, actually. But, of course, Dean never says it out loud. He knows he has no right to. No right to be happy when Sam's so miserable after leaving Amelia.

But, God! Just… Holy freaking Jesus, does Castiel make Dean happy! When their lips are finally wet and slick and they're moaning into each other's mouths and when Cas makes wonderful growly sounds, rubbing against Dean's body and then the Winchester wants just to burst into tears like a teenage virgin at her first time. Come to think of it, this really is his first time. And Dean can't even process the idea of it all. It's not what he's used to. Not sex. Not even love making. Just some kind of profound experience. Divine and celestial. Holy even, so odd it may sound.

But Dean knows he doesn't deserve all this. He isn't worth Cas's fall. Never was and he sure as hell hasn't got any better and worthier. He has no right to feel this way; afraid he might get used to it and want more someday.

"Just this once…" Dean murmurs in Cas's mouth, devouring his lips in wild agony, tears in his eyes, hands wrapped around his arms so tightly, they're nearly leaving bruises on his angel's skin. "Just this once, Cas…"

"As you wish, Dean." Cas's voice, so warm and soothing, almost cradling the hunter in the tenderness of angelic love. "It's enough for me just to know you care…"

And then Dean forgets everything and melts into his angel's sweet and warm embrace and finally lets himself feel it just for a brief moment. Happiness. Wrapping him up gently and filling the hunter's ears with sounds of hot desperate kisses and the mild cracking of flickering light bulbs at the ceiling. Just this once he'll let himself be happy.

"Cas…" Dean whispers. "Oh! Cas!"

"So, what now? Has Cas gone dark side or something?" Sam asks Garth, trying to hold his breath still.

"Honestly? I don't know. I mean the lore is all about vengeance crap and eternal perdition. For all I know Cas could be dead already. Or in hell…"

Sam jerkily gasps for air. No. No-no-no-no! Dean's not gonna survive this.

"On the other hand, a lot of lore is just pure bullshit." Garth hurries to comfort his friend. "Come to think of it, Dean's boyfriend might've just freaked out. I mean, losing virginity can be a big deal for a creature that ancient, right?"

Garth's voice is cheerful as it is nervous and Sam gets it. The odds are, they'll never know.


End file.
